my relationship advice is when in doubt, go get as drunk as you can, dump them, then fuck someone else
relationship status: (drives through the night while 80s synthpop plays in the background)
this planet sucks nothing works. the Volcanoes dont work like 1/10 of them work. the ocean is poorly lit. the dryers in public washrooms dont do shit. im sick of this place
I stayed up all night using a text-to-speech program to make my computer say “poop.” Now I’m exhausted and dehydrated from crying from laughing so much and nobody will return my calls. I called every person I knew and left them all messages of my computer saying “poop” and me screaming and laughing until I threw up. Nobody cares if I’m dead or alive.
the inside of your butt is warm enough to hardboil an egg
oh no I’m not falling for this one again
zayn always disappears and comes back hotter than ever like what’s your secret
OH ‘sexually active’ i thought you said ‘radioactive.’ well in that case, no. i am not